I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize