I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
