oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
