Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
