Can i not drive my cunt home
there's paper in my vomit.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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