Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
