he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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