I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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