apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
