We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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