A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
