Michael Bay diarrhea
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
