you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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