Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
