my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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