She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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