i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The uberlube is also flammable
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
