dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
