went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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