My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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