Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
