I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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