well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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