You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
