Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
