My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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