I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I understand Curling. That high.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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