haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
