you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
