My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
