I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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