i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
