I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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