sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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