One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
