Ambien. No doubt about it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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