I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
