I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
