There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
