What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
