What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
