so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
