I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
