God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
