he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
