I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
