I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
