He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize