The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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