chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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