Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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