I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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