if you like me you must not know who I am
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
