When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
