I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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