he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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