She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
