can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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