I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
