My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
