Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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