there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
