do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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