is your mom at the bar?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
