I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
love makes seman taste better
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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