you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
there is puke in my bra ... again
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