life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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