turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
dude. I can hear the air.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
