If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Say something about gay babies.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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