Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
